To be or not to be Catholic...That is the ante.

Saturday night I went to a Cash Bash. For those of you not familiar, a cash bash is a "fundraiser" of a sort. Tickets are sold kind of like a lottery. You have a 3-digit number on the bottom. The ticket was $20 which included my chance to win $500 on each hour, $300 on each 10 minute and $4000 at the end of the night. (7pm-11pm) It also included a buffet of usual Hunky wedding food and all the beer you can drink. Where do you ask this gala of events is held? Right in the basement of Saint Mary's Church. Amidst the sea of blue hair and canes, I found one of the 3 groups of young people. While you're sitting, eating and drinking duos of elderly women and men come around selling tickets and before I knew it I'm shouting, "Dolores! I'll take two more of the Mary Pop Open tickets!" I played a Keno type game where an 80-year old was viciously running the table and taking my money. (So that's where my social security is going!!)
What amazes me most is that this is held in the basement of a Catholic church to raise money for the church. Hmm. Now correct me if I'm wrong, according to Catholicism you are not supposed to use birth control, abort fetuses (or should it be feti?) or divorce among another number of sinful acts. However, if you would like to gamble, perform glutton-like eating and drink beer, just make sure the profits go to the church. Here are some other ways for what church going people call "sinners" to get by with doing their "sinful" acts.

1. If you would like to have an abortion because you were unlawfully impregnated or whatever reason you choose to, please make sure that you tip your local parish 10% of the cost of the procedure. *If you are a physician, please donate 15% of the cost of the procedure.
2. If you need to get a divorce, hire one of the nuns to be a stenographer and Father Fred to be your lawyer. If it is a custody battle, pay a couple of the altar boys to be stand ins so your children don't have to witness any unnecessary banter.
3. If you "choose" (great choice of word, eh?) to be gay promise that you will not come to church and "embarrass" the Catholic community, however, you will donate a healthy portion of you paycheck to buying the priests the porn they need to quit doing the unmentionables that have been going on with you-know-who. (See 2. for that one.)
4. If you would like to get married, but you are not a man and woman, agree to donate a portion of the bridal dance funds to fans for the pews and tissues next to the holy water.
4. If there are any other "sins" that you would like to commit that the Catholic church would not approve of, sign a waiver that commits you to literally PAY for your sins. Ex: $10 for taking communion even though you didn't confess ALL of you sins in the booth.

Although I thought the whole thing was really Hippocratic on the fact that this was sponsored by and held in a church, it was pretty fun. Though, I didn't win shit.