How Much Baggage Do You Carry?

First week back and I've survived. Truthfully...it's all down hill from here. 100 days left and Mardi Gras is less than a month. Can't wait. I just bought the cutest pair of shoes, too!

Took it easy this weekend and stayed in. There's something to say for that. While I love being around people more than anything, I do enjoy some time alone. This was not always the way it was with me. In the past 2 1/2 years that I have moved home to Uniontown, I've learned a lot of things. Now I don't usually hash things out about ex's on my blog, but after reading Dan's for the past 6-8 months, I think it's time you got to know more about me and the baggage I bring. (Don't worry, I travel light these days.)

I think I've always been a person searching for the "perfect love" or "perfect relationship." Girls tend to be raised that way, but I think maybe I have been a little more focused than most. I've had some wonderful relationships in my life (and some bad.) Well, they all have been good and bad in mix. I do try to look back and take one thing from each one that I have learned.

Things I've learned...

EX#1. Intelligence is one's (and your own) most attractive quality.
EX#2. Never lose sight of your goals.
EX#3. Trust in someone...even if it makes you scared.
EX#4. Never lose sight of yourself.

These are probably the most significant men in my life. Though I have had more relationships and encounters than 4, these men made the cut. Sorry guys. Some of you just weren't that impacting. I should probably use names, but if I want to say something nasty, I wouldn't want to ruin they're dating lives, right? haha.

Anyway...EX#1. Ah, one of my favorites. Cute and smart. Ambitious. I was young. Maybe if we would have met down and been more mature things would have worked out. Maybe not. In any sense the most attractive thing about him was that he was so smart. He challenged me in my thoughts even at the young age of 14, 15 etc... We kept in contact for a while-almost the next 7-8 years. I even dumped EX#2 due to an out of blue phone call from him. Love of my life?? Maybe.

EX#2 Nice, funny. Unfortunately, on a completely different path than me. We grew apart. Or rather, I think I grew up faster. I had moved to college and saw the world (literally on a choir trip) and he didn't. Good stopping point in my life, but I would have been totally stuck if I would have stuck. Oh yeah....he cheated on me, too. (A prior and latter recurring theme in my relationships.)

EX#3 Love of my life?? At this point, yes. Literally swept off my feet. So kind, gentle and extremely sexy. We had fun. We loved each other. I still don't know really what happened. He taught me to trust in someone though. That's important...especially for the cheatee woman. I didn't have to really even try in this relationship. It just was. Was fun. Was real. At the end things went sour from what I believe due to some unresolved family issues on his part (though I never got a reason.) Now, he swore he didn't cheat on me, but I have my theories. Even still, for some reason he still taught me how to trust. Weird.

EX#4 Love of my life? Never. Hmmm... Still bitter about this one. Maybe because I lost the person that I was. Maybe because he never really knew the person that I was. Not because I wasn't open, but I think because he never really wanted to know. Classic afterschool special (except the fact that I wasn't in highschool.) He was very superficial and image conscious. Not only about himself but about who was around him. I still remember the remark of "You have a good education from a great college. I don't understand why you just don't use it." Um, Dickhead. I'm not waiting tables and working 2 other jobs because it's fun. But, hear things like that and others enough and you start to believe it. Now, he wasn't text book abusive like "you're stupid, ugly, fat..." but, the digs were there. Never being introduced to childhood friends with whom he still kept in contact with, disapproving looks and snide comments. I think I knew we shouldn't have been together but the whole I-should-be-in-a-relationship-because-I'm-getting-older thing came into play. Meanwhile he was everything against what I had learned from EX's 1, 2, 3. Not intelligent. He passed college and all, but there is a level of intelligence. (If you're one reading this blog, I know you know what I mean.) inadvertently I had changed my mind set of what I wanted to do in order to "fit" into his life." And, three...most important. I didn't trust him. I don't even think from the beginning. I know I wasn't completely out of fault in this relationship. I did some screaming, throwing of things and (a few hits....oops.) However, if someone backs you into a corner you almost always comeout swinging. It wasn't as bad as it sounds, trust me. I did break a few things, but have someone treat you like shit for 2 1/2 years. See how you react. A few things that really pissed me off in the end was that after we had broken up he continued to call me to "see if I was okay." Um, okay buddy. Leave me alone. It literally took me saying that for him to do so. Not until one more phone call, however. One more thing. While we were doing the breaking up thing (for many months) someone had keyed his car the night I happened to be standing outside his window because he wouldn't answer the phone. He blamed me. What really pisses me off is, I swear, I didn't do it! Then 4-5 months after we broke up he called me and accused me of paging him and leaving "666" as a message. Okay. I might have been crazy at times, but come on! Don't you think I would have left something more creative like 9009 (upside down on a calculator it looks like boob.) Now, that I would have been funny. And...I didn't even know the fucking pager number! --->Ah, but I will bury the hatchet as I said I would in my resolutions. Well, for the most part. My revenge still lays on his lack of intelligence. I may be fatter than I want to or not have the job I want, but I can change that. He'll always be adequate.

So, looking forward to the new year and new relationships, I will hold high on these lessons learned from EX's 1-4 and the others before and in between.

There is the open world of me. I suppose I'm fulfilling many resolutions as I'm letting more of myself show in my writing, burying hatchets and writing more-quantity and quality. I'll let you be the judge of quality.