What Happens in Punta Cana, Stays in Punta Cana

I know you've been eagerly awaiting this...pictures will come soon once I get them set up...for now...enjoy the read.


Party's over...

We're back and I think I can speak for Danni and Renee...we'd rather be in Punta Cana. It was absolutely beautiful. (Pictures will be coming soon...) Here's a brief recap...

Weather...perfect. It really wasn't as hot as I imagined. It rained almost every night for about 2 minutes. We only got a little caught in it once. Gorgeous A.

Accomodations...beautiful. The place was amazing. Gorgeous outdoor lounges, swim up bar and great pool, beautiful beach with plenty of shaded areas, rooms were beautiful and quite spacious....we saw a few other resorts along the way and we definitely hit the best one. Money well spent.

Food. Excellent. Made our stomachs a little wonky, but I think we just weren't used to the spices, oils, etc. (That and the amount of alcohol consumed.) In any way we kept maitenance with Immodium, water and well...just hanging on.

So all in all it was a good trip.

Now you didn't think I was going to leave you with just that....right?

****Read at your own risk****Goody details upon request...discretion****

So Sunday night Renee and I think it will be a good idea to watch 6 episodes of SATC and drink a bottle of wine...or two. Danni headed off to bed and before we knew it we had and hour and a half of sleep and we were on our way to the airport.
Got on the plane safely and listened to some white trash people and their screaming baby the whole time. "I'll exchange the plane for the resort," Danni said. So I leaned over to the lady across the aisle and asked here where they were staying. Great. Not our resort. I can handle the screaming mongrol. The lady asked if my girlfriends and I ever wanted to have a good girls' night to call her and she handed me her card. Some sort of lingere and sex toy company. Come on now lady...do you think we look like we use sex toys? Okay...but not from that Yinzer.
Land in Punta Cana, slap a bracelet on our wrist and we're off. At this point I'm starting to notice that a lot, a lot of people aren't speaking English. No biggie. I probably would speak English to the people I'm with in foreign country either. I'm sure they're bilingual. Most people from foreign countries (unlike the US) are. I'm sure my 2 1/2 years of Spanish from early highschool one semester of college will get me by....um...thank God Renee was there. Muy bueno, amiga.
We headed to the room, dropped our suitcases, put the suits on and headed to the pool. Swim-up-bar....mmmm. This is what I have been looking for in my life. Two of my favorite things. Swimming and drinking. We had a few drinks, hung out in the pool, tanned. Headed back to the room to take a brief nap, shower/dress and head on out for dinner and to where the night will lead us. And it did....
Okay...now that you have a back story...here's where truly, it goes crazy.
Girls Gone Wild...Punta Cana style.

After dinner we walked around the resort and this is when it's hot. At night with clothes and when you're not in the pool. After I adjusted by wiping down my shins from sweat we had a few drinks in the lobby and another bar. "Let's go check out the discoteque??" Sure. Sounds great. Some creepy island looking boys sauntered on over and the one leaned in and asked me to dance. In replying I headbutted him and I knew then...this was going to be no normal night. Then I saw his face. I'm rather glad I headbutted him as it looked as though he was headbutted...on the way down the ugly tree. Yuck.
Danni and Renee joined me on the dance floor (thank God) and then shortly after that...we met the party. I say the party because it was like Very Bad Things where shit just kept on happening. We ran into.....

The Barcelonians.
(starring in no particular order)
Dieter--he looked German
Mullet Boy--yes he had a mullet, but with extension braids in the back
Ramon--said he played soccer (futbol) but, I don't think so
and finally--
Chorizo the Tree Frog--aka Pedro

By the way...mullets are a hit in Europe. Everyone wants a hockey cut! Though, they're a lot more fashionable then the mullets in USA. Quite frankly...by the end of the week...I was starting to dig 'em.

We did our best to communicate with the one that spoke English. Dieter and MulletBoy headed off and so we shot some pool with Chorizo and Ramon. Good times. Lots of rum, cervesa and chupitos (shots.) Anyone that knows us girls....knows that shots are quite a way to upset the dynamics of a smooth night.

What makes a better night of drinking? The beach of course (one of the 15 words that Chorizo could speak.) Girls to the room for bathing suits! Stumble onto the beach. Chorizo is attempting to molest Danni and Ramon has got his paws into Renee (or rather Ray-naay.) We park it on some lounges with security guard lurking in tow. Renee (Ray-naay) and Ramon are reinacting the beginning scene of Grease in the water, Chorizo is doing his best to molest Danni (as she's yelling to me to don't dare leave her) and I take the first fall of the trip. (Ya knew it couldn't be a night without a fall from me.) Fortunately it was a direct drop to the knees in the ocean to where Ramon chants a "repeate."
As the sun begins to come up Danni and I justify leaving Renee with Ramon due to sunlight and lurking security guard. So here we go. Americana, Americana, Espana.
"I think he's coming back with us."
"No, Molly. He's not."
"No. I think he is.... Chorizo. No aqui. Tu...'resorte??' No. aqui."
"Que? No. motioning of sleeping at our place."
"Um, Danni. I think he's staying with us."
So we all head back to our room and Danni and I hop in the shower together as I (in my best teacher voice) told Chorizo to "sientete uno momento." (Hey...works in my classroom.) He did and we wondered if he was scared not knowing any English and the two of us knowing a lot of Spanglish. As we exited the shower...Chorizo hops in. Well...apparently he's making himself at home. At this point we're pretty much cracking up and taking a craps shoot on who he's going to crash with. The firm "it's not going to be me" came from Danni so I thought...can't be that bad. I could use a little snuggle. So I stroll into the bathroom to check on Chorizo, open the shower door to find him scrubbing down with some Pantene and offer him..."pantelones?" "Ok (word number 3.)
As he strolls out in my candystriped pj pants I give him the old slap on the bed and "aqui."
"Yous? Ok!"
And he takes a little skip dive in-the little shit that he was. (While he was in the shower we peaked at his jeans...29". Poquito!)

I wondered why Danni was so eager to pass doochie to the left hand side. So I could "take one for the team." He was...as we named him...a tree frog. Serioulsy the worst kisser ever. Terrible. Efe. But, hey...it was someone to cuddle with and I'm not a person that gives up. I know I'm a good kisser so maybe I can send this Spainard home with some new American technique. Ah, no. Then a turn of the door and it's Ray-naay and Ramon. Chorizo decides to speak at this point and give me the international "shhh" and "es mi amigo" and pulls the covers over his head. What? He is a fucking frog. (Not to mention his stature doesn't help in making him goliath.) So eventually racking my brain for Spanish a stop sign passed in my head. "Pare." Vamos. Excellent. So I rattled that off and he finally, finally left. Terrible. F. (But, really funny.)

So the next day on the beach (at around 1 since I didn't get to bed until morning) we recapped the night. "Now that was crazy. Wonder what tonight will bring. Can't be as nuts as last night..."

Oh....but it was. Worse. Crazy.

That....was only Day One.

Day Two -Dos Dia

Day Two consists of us rolling out of bed, beach, pool, dinner...let's go out. What will happen tonight. You can't even imagine.

Day Two Cast
Danni, Renee, Molly--Girls Gone Wild
Ramon--favorite words..."swimming pool"
Chorizo the Tree Frog--can now speak "I'm Chorizo" (Good thing I taught English as a Second Language!)
MulletBoy
Dieter
Introducing "The Hobbits"--dos mas poquito Barcelonians
and featuring,
the one.
the only.
Javier--Fireman extrordianaire.

We hit the casino that night for a short stint, had drinks at the bar across from it and to avoid the sweatfest from the night before Renee suggests we take the train/tram that shuttles the resort. (And I found out "resorte" means "springs" so I'm glad I told Chorizo "you spring.")
As we approach the train...who are the conductors in the first car?? The Barcelonians. They greeted us with a "Chorizo" yell and three little girls began to giggle.

"Had to ride the train, Renee. Had to ride the train."

We headed off to the sports bar to lube our stomachs with cervezas and were on to the discoteque. In our best "it got weird" attitudes we avoided the Spanish Village People until Chorizo (and that's what we called him) came over and said hola. (Have you noticed my Spanish improving? Apprendo espanol un poquito dia por dia!) Enter "The Hobbits." They seriously were the smallest people I have ever seen. I'll bet their jeans were 27". Chorizo and Ramon exit discoteque with us and head to the sports bar.

Enter--Javier.

Javi at least speaks English very well...this is a huge plus as Renee is exhausted translating and I'm tired of signing with Chorizo the Tree Frog. We laugh, party and Javi is a hit. Swearing up a storm and screaming his favorite words of the night "Fucking liar." Put a Spanish accent on the with a little gay flair and what do you have--Javi.
Chorizo and I duck out and head back to the room...only to be followed by the "Jacuzzi Crew." Javi, Danni, Renee, Ramon. Here's how the rest transpired...I think.

"Jacuzzi!!!" hahahah. Jump, jump. Pile on the bed.
"I smell a smoke bomb." hahaha. "I think Javi set off a smoke bomb in the stairwell."
"NO!"
"WAIT!"
(Bunch of inaudible Spanish)
Spppssssssssshhhhhhhhhh!!
"What the fuck?"
(I dive under the covers)
(Bunch of inaudible Spanish...lots of coughing)
"Malley" (That's how my name sounds with a Spanish accent)
I run out to the balcony, clothes in hand.
"You have problema with sppssh sppssh?" (from security guard)
"Noooo..." (from Danni as white smoke billows from the room over her head)
"You come down and kiss me?" (security)
"Manana, manana" (from Danni as more smoke billows)
"Federal offense, Danni! Federal offense"

Exit Javi--off the balcony.
Exit Renee, Ramon, Pedro (I'd learned his name at this point) and me.

Looks a lot like Saving Private Ryan or Apocalypse Now.

"What...ack, ack..the fuck..ack, ack...just happened? Oh my God...we're going to be in that Dominican jail we saw on the way in...fuck, fuck, fuck."

Had to ride the train Renee. Had to ride the train.

When Pedro and I return it looks as though a CSI crime lab has been through and everything is magically, well, gone. Was it a dream? No...called Danni and Javi's maid service. Javi apparently jumped off the balcony after Pedro (we think he was a fisherman) threatened to kill him. I guess he meant it. Javi returned to see the damage and something like this transpired...

"Hoh boy. I did not think so much come out. Just a little and then...hoh boy. Hokay. I clean this up."
Strip down to his skivvies and off he went wiggling his cute little ass all over the floor with towels.
Thank God for Danni, Javi and their Merrymaids service they provided.

Renee and I did a once more clean up as she went and did her best Carol Burnett impression by stealing the maids' mop from the maid closet. Then...the dilema starts.

Do we tell? Do we not? Do they know? Do they not? (Phone rings)

Three little deer in headlights.

Had to ride the train, Renee. Had to ride the train.

In the end I truly think the maid service/resort were as clueless as we were as to what happened. Before we knew it we were in a Vietnam-like bombing. Before they knew it the mess was gone. Later on in the morning an important looking person from the maid staff peeked in our door --assuming to see the explosion in our room--and there was nothing. Now the stariwell and hallway were covered, but nothing in our room. I truly think they were baffled. So we gave the maid $30 in hush money and called it a day.
Still nervous and convinced we were just going fess up, we headed down to the front desk to make reservations for dinner (because it might have been our last) and...nothing. Nada.

We made it.

Now the rest of the week was a little slower, but still and adventure.

This was Day Two.

Day three and conclusion of the week will be in the next entry....

Day three--Enter--Americanas "The Gotti Boys."