After reading Jay's Excuse Manifesto, I thought I'd post on mine as well: Why are we single? At times when I'm feeling insecure, I use the "I choose to be. I don't want to be hassled with a relationship...I have a lot of things to accomplish." Which...in all honesty...is probably total bullshit. I don't really know why I'm single. It's definitely hard to find someone out there and I think as I'm getting older, I'm willing to put up with less (cranky old spinnster that I am!) I do have "deal breakers" but, they aren't so much breakers as they are a checklist of what I want. I don't think I ask for much, but maybe I do?
When I was in my late teens/early twenties I used to believe in "the soul mate." Now, I don't think so. I think it's all timing. Timing on women's part, but (and here goes) more of a timing factor with men. Timing used to consist of (for me) date 3 years, engaged a year or so, married 3-5 years and then kids. Well, that idea went out the window long ago. -now don't hold me as responsible as Oprah was with the whole beef thing- I think women can be ready almost anytime. I think that we're a little more accomodating than men and don't have a "timing" issue. Men, I think when they want to settle down, they do. Maybe they have a more clear mind when they're going to do it and can pick through the women.
I don't really know where I'm going with this...
Honestly, I could get married tomorrow...if I found the right person. Now don't take it as I'm willing to jump into any relationship and get hitched to the first guy who says "I will, I might or I maybe." Time isn't an issue anymore for me. If I find the right guy, I'll do it in a heartbeat. However, I find myself being really picky over the right guy. Too short, too dumb, not ambitious enough, too old, too young....too, too, too. I don't know if it's me not finding what satisfies me or maybe I'm afraid of it being the right guy--see that episode of SATC when Carrie realizes/thinks she's a commitment-phobe.
Onto another comment of Jay's and PastryDad's (see his entries) Why do we choose people that our friends know are so wrong for us? Not sure...but, I've definitely been one of those. I do agree with Robin (see her comments on PastryDad's) that maybe it's self-fulfilling..."it's worth it more when you have to work at it." A little emotionally masochistic, but I'm there with you girl...I've done it a million times.'
So, I don't know if this entry makes any sense at all...but, if you're single out there....why are you? Maybe you're answers will help me to figure out mine.
Okay...mull this over while I think about you all at the pool!
9 comments:
Your comment on timing is so right on. When a man feels he's ready to settle down, he does.
Why am I single? Because I can be. I'm very independent, and unless I meet someone I could potentially be crazy about, I'd rather be selfish with my time. I don't feel I'm in any place where I'm ready to make compromises or share my living space. However, I'd be thrilled if I did meet a man I wanted to spend my life with. Would life be easier if I was coupled, like so many of my close friends now are? Sure. But I'm not gonna settle for someone so-so just to keep up with the Joneses.
Why I haven't settled down:
I can't think of settling down until I know that I will be able to provide for my spouse, both financially and mentally. I just finished school, and am very close to finally getting onto my career path. Sounds chauvinistic a little, but an ex girlfriend really let me have it for having "no direction", and that stung a bit.
Why I'm single:
Probably too shy in certain instances, but the major reason is "where are all the women in Pgh?" I was the third wheel this weekend, and we saw no single women my age. Hell, I'm having trouble even getting a speedating gig. From my email today:
ATTENTION Pittsburgh Progressive Daters registered for Monday, June 20th.
I regret to inform you that this Progressive Daters (25-39 age group) event
will be rescheduled to a later date (possibly Monday, July 11th.)
Your name will be transferred to this new date, so there is no need to
re-register.
I apologize for the rescheduling, but feel that it was in the best interest
of everyone.
That said, this gives us another couple weeks for marketing and to help
balance out the ratio.
"Balance out the ratio" -- meaning it was probably another sausage party, like any bars i've been to lately!
Haven't commented here before, but I do lurk occasionally. I had a feeling this topic might spark some debate.
I think it's commendable so many people don't feel the need to pair off anymore. They want to find someone, but they won't push it.
In response to lesterhead, it's not easier being part of a couple, but it is different. If I attend a wedding, I'd rather go with girlfriends and get tipsy and gossip about how hideous some of the dresses are, or how come so-and-so brought that date to the wedding. But having a spouse means I won't have to degrade myself by leaping for that stupid bouquet. Singledom vs. Coupledom - it's just different...
When I was in my early twenties, I knew if I found a "marry-able" guy, that we'd discuss it early and wouldn't waste years of a relationship without some sense of the other's "goals" for the relationship. Not that I wanted to marry every guy I dated, but it was always something I kept in the back of my mind. I had a timeline, and the family deadline had greater priority than the career one. I have my whole life to develop my career, but realistically only a few years to lay the foundation for my family. (and this is where it sucks to be female...)
I think the issue is that no one, man or woman, wants to settle for okay. That's fair and the right thing to do, but I think the "deal-breakers" - if they're not about issues of substance - can get in the way of finding the person who will be your best partner.
I think, based on your blogs, you guys will all find someone when you're ready. I don't want to speak for PastryDad, but several of the singles we know, never put themselves out there to really date. They never give themselves a chance to find out what the real deal-breakers are or should be.
Right on PastryMom! Some folks just won't let themselves have the opportunity to revel in potential love because they're more tuned into the downsides of heartache. Thus, FEAR shuts down all incentive to proceed with asking him/her out.
Miss Girl-In-The-Corner, I use to subscribe to the same timeline you once did, but take to an abbreviated one nowadays, if possible. I'm single because the women I meet in NYC are either married, in a relationship, just playing around or don't light my fire (not her looks, more so her behavior and fire for life).
It's like shopping at Marshalls for that really nice item at that really nice price. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Pastrymom sums up a problem I used to have. I had a long checklist, a series of "must haves" that I thought were essential to my overall happiness. After a while, I realized that I pretty much had a list of the superficial and selfish side of me. I didn't want to settle, but I realized my definition of "settling" meant "not dating anyone that wasn't EXACTLY like me."
I decided to narrow it down to the most important things I need in a mate: Smart, funny, patient. After I did that, my dating outlook improved quite a bit. While I am still single (I just moved), I know it will be a lot easier now that I removed my self-imposed barriers to dating. Just my two bits.
You had said, "why do you choose people that your friends find so wrong for you?" Well, I, on the other hand, have found someone that is perfect for me, my friends love him, my family loves him, but, we've known each other 11 years and have dated (there's no official date for an "anniversary") for approximately 2-3 years. I'm ready for marriage, yet, I'm still waiting.
We've talked about it but I'm not so sure he's jazzed on the timing of the marriage. Once again, it goes back to what you were saying about how women are ready just about any time in their lives yet men aren't. This guy and I are 33 years old, have good jobs, and to me, it's the next logical step. He has told me he can't think about marriage until he lands his dream job (which will be in about 6 months- I'll explain his job to you later). What the hell?
Why is it men have to have a stable job in order to move forward in their personal lives? Hell, I could be homeless and unemployed but still able to marry someone if I was in love with them.
I'm just complaining. As usual. I'll keep you posted as to what happens between us when he actually does land that dream job and has no more excuses to give me. Oh my God, I think I've turned into one of those women that I've always hated. One that waits for their man! ugh!
Maybe its intinctual. Men need to know where they're finally settling down. Once again, there may be an instinctual need to provide a foundation for their future family, and landing a good job is the major step in attaining that. A guy's confidence goes hand in hand with having a good job, whether it's something they're proud of, or one that pays really well. For a lot of people, their jobs are largely a part of who they are. Get a promise ring, or something.
What the f*ck is a promise ring? A pre-engagement engagement ring?
Though rare, they do exist in the wild. A cop-out, in my opinion.
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